


Hear the Wails as they Lace the Halls

by God_Help_Me



Category: Death Note & Related Fandoms, Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Depressed L (Death Note), Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Loosely connected one shots, One Shot, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV L (Death Note), POV Third Person, POV Third Person Limited, Possible Fluff, Post-Yotsuba, Pre-Series, Pre-Yotsuba, Sad, Unreliable Narrator, not chronological, young L lawliet
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-10
Updated: 2020-07-27
Packaged: 2021-03-05 06:07:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25179712
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/God_Help_Me/pseuds/God_Help_Me
Summary: He shouldn't be acting like this, like a clingy child in need of attention, of comfort.But he was.And he hated it.
Relationships: L & Aiber | Thierry Morello, L & Matsuda Touta, L & Yagami Souichirou
Comments: 8
Kudos: 26





	1. Chapter 1

It felt wrong.

It _was_ wrong.

Being in the same room of them all, they didn’t deserve to be bossed around by him, they didn’t deserve to be criticized by him, by a monster.

And they didn’t even seem to realize it, that was the worst part of it all. They didn’t realize that he was undeserving of his title, of his money, of the respect they give him. 

Maybe they _did_ realize it, maybe they were smarter than he gave them credit for. But if they were they would realize that Light was Kira, they would realize that Light was the same as he was. As awful as it felt, to have the same status as Kira, it was also relieving. He wasn’t the only monster.

He wasn’t the only person that scared him anymore.

The screen burned his eyes, and he had to remind himself to blink. There wasn’t any sound of typing in the room, there wasn’t any sound, really. Why wasn’t there any sound? His gaze swept over the room, over the people who deserved more than to work with him, over Kira.

“Ryuzaki?” Matsuda’s voice was timid, and he felt a pang, was Matsuda still scared of him? He didn’t want anyone to be scared of him, was he really that bad of a person? 

He narrowed his eyes at the ground, of course he was. Even the people he grew up with were scared of him, why would it surprise him that the Task Force was any different? He was a monster, he heard the whispers in the halls of Kira’s school, he heard the rumors in Wammy’s House, he knew what they thought of him, and they were right.

Footsteps echoed on the floor, coming closer to him, he accidentally tensed when they came to a stop in front of him. There was a pause, he didn’t shift his gaze from the floor, he couldn’t look at who ever was in front of him. A hand pushed his chin up, forcing him to meet Soichiro’s eyes, he heard the man's breath falter. He didn’t know why, was he _that_ bad to look at?

“Are you alright, Ryuzaki?” L didn’t say anything, he blinked, tilting his head in confusion. His eyes still stung, they couldn’t seem to focus on Soichiro’s face.

“What do you mean, Yagami-san?” He saw Soichirio’s eyebrows furrow, his confusion only growing.

“You’re crying, Ryuzaki.”

He lifted a hand to his face, his fingers brushing tears that continued to fall down his face. “Oh.” His voice sounded small, even to himself, he saw Soichiro’s eyes soften as a hand came to rest on his shoulder. He felt like a child in need of comfort, but he didn’t deserve that, did he? Not after all the things he’s done.

“Let’s call it a day,” the softness of the man’s voice startled L “I think we could all use a break.” Out of the corner of his eye he saw Quillish nod, he didn’t say anything, focusing on making his breaths seem less erratic.

Why _was_ he crying? That wasn’t like him in the slightest, it just confused him. He knew the Task Force was confused as well, they had every right to be, watching the person that was supposed to be unaffected by everything begin to cry? It must have looked pathetic, he knew it was pathetic. He knew it was weak, he knew he was weak.

He blinked, and he was curled up on the couch, a pillow clutched to his chest. How did he get there? He felt his body tremble, the tears that he failed to notice became obvious to him. He felt eyes on him, glancing to his right he saw Soichiro, leaning against the couch. He flinched, letting his gaze drop.

“How old are you?” The question startled him, was that important? It must have been, Soichiro was asking it, and Soichiro was someone he respected.

“I’m 24.” He cursed himself, his voice was small and squeaky and not L-like because of tears he didn’t know the cause of. Not that having a cause would help, he wasn’t supposed to cry. He wasn’t supposed to be weak.

“Oh.” There was a hand on his shoulder “You’re very young.” He didn’t say anything else, clutching the pillow tighter. 

“Yagami-San?” He looked over to the man, seeing that he had the others’ attention. “Do you ever hear them?”

He saw the confusion lacing the man's face, not elaborating on what he wanted to say. “Hear what, Ryuzaki?”

“The, the voices. They’re loud, and I don’t like them. I don’t like them, they’re mean, they’re mean and only tell the truth and I don’t think I like the truth very much.”

He heard Soichiro suck in a breath, he let his eyes drop back down to the pillow clutched in his hands. “What do they say?”

He furrowed his eyebrows, looking at Soichiro. “They tell me the truth.” The man ran a hand down his face, an exasperated (or what seemed like exasperated, he had never been good with social cues) sigh escaping him.

“And what would the truth be, Ryuzaki?”

Soichiro had leaned forward, elbows and forearms resting on his knees. His expression pinched into one of worry, and L couldn’t take it. He wanted the voices to stop the voices telling him those things but he knew that what they were saying was true, because he knew he was a monster, even when compared to Kira. He looked like a monster, he acted like one, he was one. But he didn’t want to be one. He wanted the voices to stop yelling about how bad of a person he was, about how he was undeserving of everything he had, undeserving of his life.

He swallowed, keeping eye contact with Soichiro. “I’m a monster.” It came out as nothing more than a whisper, fingers clenching and unclenching around the pillow as he tensed up. The tears tracks that had dried were used once again. 

“What else do they say?”

He shouldn’t tell Soichiro, “I,” He took in a shaky breath “I don’t deserve this, I don’t deserve my life. They’re loud, always telling me that I don’t deserve anything, that I should have overdosed when I had the chance, and I don’t like it. It hurts to think about it because i know they’re right.”

His voice was shaking now, his composure completely slipping, but he couldn’t stop. “I- I just want it to stop. Oh gods, Watari must be so ashamed of me.” He attempted to muffle the sob with his hand, but it didn’t help. He clutched his eyes tight, arms shaking as he moved his hand away the slightest bit.

“I’m weak, I know I’m weak but I don’t want to be weak. I want it to stop.” His eyes opened the slightest bit. “I- I wanna go _home_. I wanna see my sister again, I wanna see my mother again but I can’t-” Hands grabbed his arms, making him drop the pillow as he was pulled towards Soichiro. Arms surrounded him, but he couldn’t accept them, he didn’t deserve them. He was weak, though. He couldn’t bring himself to push the man away, his hands coming up to clutch at fabric as he cried into Soichiro’s shoulder.

“I _can’t_ because they're gone, and I just wish they took me with them.”


	2. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He was always tired

Matsuda wasn’t much help.

It’s not to say that he didn’t have anything to bring to the table, it’s just that what he _did_ bring was more suited for the field. But it did make L feel a bit warm inside when the older of the two decided to stay watching the computers with him instead of going on break with the others.

They sat in relative silence, L routinely checking in on the captives once or twice. He felt himself drifting in and out of consciousness, everything felt like it was in random chunks, it was dizzying. He let himself fall back onto the seat, back pressing against the fabric as he let his legs fall into a more natural position.

He always hated thinking up persona’s for cases, it was a pain coming up with traits to fit the character he was going to play, always a pain to answer people’s questions when he eventually broke down from playing someone he didn’t like being.

It made him so, _tired_. 

He just wanted to sleep, that’s all he ever wanted, really. 

But he never gets what he wants, only what he needs. 

He felt eyes on him, but didn’t bother to attempt to get back into character, no- he _couldn’t_ get back into character, not now. 

A hand touched his shoulder, making his eyes flicker to Matsuda’s. “Feeling tired, Ryuzaki?” Yes, he was. He _always_ was and he was sick of it, he wanted to sleep, but he didn’t want to dream.

Hands were tugging on his, so he let himself be pulled up to his feet. He didn’t bother with balancing himself, falling onto Matsuda’s chest. He heard Matsuda talking, but didn’t register the words. 

He was tired.

He felt himself be picked up, he kept his gaze fixated on the floor, his vision coming out as fuzzy and disoriented.

He was set down on a bed, and was vaguely aware of Matsuda crouching in front of him, brushing hair out of his face. 

There were footsteps moving towards the door, a brief hesitation in them before light shone in from the hallway.

He was alone.

But he didn't sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Your telling me that L _doesn't_ use fake persona's whenever he has to meet someone in person? W a c k 
> 
> Also- if I were to write a science fiction-esk book, would you guys read it?
> 
> My discord server, in case any wants to tell me off for L being out of character:  
> https://discord.gg/Kkcyfmg


	3. Chapter Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Along the shore the cloud waves break, the twin suns sink behind the lake, the shadows lengthen In Carcosa.

Aiber was good company, at least when alcohol was brought into the question. L didn’t drink much, Quillish had made it so getting drunk was difficult, he always considered that an advantage.

But not anymore.

Aiber was drunk, sprawled out on the couch in an abandoned shack in Iceland. And L envied him.

He just wanted to forget, just for a little bit. He poured himself another glass, ignoring the rambles of the blond. He looked towards the windows at the stars, the sky was clear, stars littering the darkened canvas.

“Y’know Hans, if ya’ wanna get plastered you should drink som’ore.” He ignored him once again, setting down the half-empty cup and moving towards the door. “Ey’ where are you goin?” There was a faint breeze, the bushes swaying with it.

He heard AIber stumble after him, plopping himself down on the grass. “Watcha’ lookin for pretty boy.” He pointed up, the Milky Way was visible.

He lay down, arms going up to cushion his head as he watched the lights blink. It was peaceful, a break from reality, from his responsibilities.

The silence stretched as they gazed, it reminded him of Beyond. His successor often snuck into his room, sitting next to him on the window seat to watch the stars, content to just be near each other with the faint feeling of comfort it gave. 

But they never sat in silence.

Because silence was never good.

He glanced over to Aiber, who’s eyes were narrowed at the stars. “Along the shore the cloud waves break, the twin suns sink behind the lake, the shadows lengthen In Carcosa.” He saw Aiber startle out of the corner of his eye, be it from the breathy tone of voice he used or the fact that he spoke at all.

“What?”

L raised a brow, not taking his eyes away from the stars, continuing the song “Strange is the night where black stars rise, and strange moons circle through the skies, but stranger still is Lost Carcosa.” His eyes wandered the cosmos, taking in the sight, voice falling away, the pair lapsed into silence once again.

The stars seemed to wander, shades of blue and purple highlighting the faint lights. It was a beautiful sight, one that his mother would have loved to see. 

He glanced back at Aiber, and felt a small smile form on his face, vision becoming the slightest bit blurry as the stars seemed to shine brighter.

His mother would have loved to see it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The King in Yellow is from where those quotes are from, it's a cool story, check it out, dead people had wild imaginations.
> 
> My discord server:  
> https://discord.gg/Kkcyfmg

**Author's Note:**

> S o , it's my hc that L has depression, so why not indulge in that a bit while giving the Task Force a more emotional side of L while I'm at it.
> 
> I tried to grasp his character, I really did, but then I realized that L would never cry so- yeah.
> 
> Do you got anyone else you want to bond with L? Please tell me I need ideas and L needs friends
> 
> (If any of you wondered where I got the idea that L was depressed, [boom](https://youtu.be/HPsLiqZHk0o?t=271))
> 
> Also, my discord server, it's pretty chill, we talk about frogs a lot:  
> https://discord.gg/Kkcyfmg


End file.
